February 11, 2015

Missing out

Things are getting real and personal on the blog today. I just need to get this out there so bear with me.

Motherhood has swallowed me up, spit me out and left me completely changed in ways I never ever would have expected. It has been quite the Jonah-type experience I tell ya! I have a lot of time with with my little Rem Gem and I have learned a lot in the process. Like A LOT, A LOT!

A month ago when New Years resolutions were being made, I was completely stumped. Looking back the past year I was just hit with so much regret. There were a few events that really scarred me badly. Bad vibes with family members, mean words from a friend, friendships in general that didn't seem the most influential, the feeling that I wasn't making the most out of my occupation, thoughts of a better body image or "Amber Fillerup hair"? haha. I was putting a ton of pressure on myself! Being happy has generally come very natural for me but I was seriously drowning in trying to keep things together. 

I knew I needed to make a change and just like anyone who is drowning would do, I started to panic. I chatted with countless people and did the classic "I know a person who came to me with a problem... what would you do?" I LOVED to hear any input in the matter and especially loved to hear others relate to what I was going through. People are amazing. I prayed, read, re-read and prayed some more. I chatted with family members and got opinions. I even called one and rehashed the past hoping that humble untactful bluntness would maybe give me some ease. (which it actually did! haha) It was a whirlwind of solution searching and chaotic thinking! I was going straight up crazy inside you guys, and of course I didn't ever want to admit it.

One thing I learned as a new mom sitting silent with my baby in the nursery wondering what on earth was going on, was that my thoughts became my new best friends. I almost unknowingly drifted into the shadows of the social scenes as I would sneak of to nurse or turn down social events because none of our friends had babies and didn't quite understand all it entailed. That was hard for me and no one really cared haha. (that is now changing, hallelujah!) My life was 100% dedicated to this new little bundle, complete with a whole whack of hormones! Quite the game changer. I analyzed my life a lot. 

My thoughts were in complete and utter disarray when I found this post from THE PARRISH PLACE - a fantastic blog I follow. It was a "holy schnikes, she is so right!" moment that gave me some extreme clarity. I have had a few of those moments actually and I have slowly been trying things out hoping to find some solutions. The greatest change has been that I have been able to take better control of my thoughts. It has been so refreshing. I had been dwelling so much on the past and I have finally finally finally, after all of this time, been able to put the past behind me. If that includes cutting some loose ends with some people and tying tighter knots with others, game on. I think as women we naturally put a lot of pressure on ourselves and I am going to try my best to stop that. I found that I would sometimes downplay other's successes in order to feel better about myself and it was ridiculous.
I have always found being a mother such a gift and I have a fun future to look forward to. I will take the time to think through my thoughts and listen to promptings. I know who my people are and they get me and want to get me. Some people don't and that's okay. Life goes on. I have experienced so much freedom as I have learned to not take things so personally and realized that life is far too good to continue it the way I was. I was definitely missing out and it wasn't worth it. All in all I'm trying a little harder to be a little better in my own simple way. I have so many little joys in my life that I would rather focus on, including this little lady. No more missing out!

----- remi rae watching the snow fall -----

2 comments:

  1. I love you Bry! and I love this! We are similar its scary and I've always felt like that. Missing you and wish we lived closer to be mommy buddies!!

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  2. I loved this! Its true, its so easy to see what everyone else is doing and put so much pressure on ourselves, but I think you're the greatest! Remi is lucky to have a mom like you!

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