I have a million things to catch up on and blog about but right now all I can think about is my sweet Remi babe.
Right now my current emotions and thought processes are really really chaotic. I really hope this post even makes sense!
I have taken a break from blogging a bit and I post pictures to Instagram but I don't peruse it as much as I used to. I think this summer has and will be a good time for me to just reconnect with myself, nature, family and the core important things in life. I love me a little social media but to be completely honest our secondary infertility battle has been quite a weight for us lately and it wasn't until I snapped last week that I even realized how much I am affected by all of this! My daily goal is to just stay positive and strong but in some moments I catch myself not even acting like myself. It's the strangest thing!
I get a lot of questions about our secondary infertility so I will post about the details when I have time to type it all out but in a nutshell we have been to the fertility clinic in Calgary, it was information overload, we found out that Jason has low motility, that it is quite rare, and that Remi could possibly be a little miracle, but we will find out for sure later. You hear all of that and your heart BURSTS because you have something to rule out but it SINKS all at the same time because another baby might be a waaaays away.
Tonight my little nephew was playing with Remi and he asked her, "so when are you going to have a little brother?" I loved it. You and me both little man! Remi would be one heck of a big sister! I'm hoping our tests and appointments throughout August give us some good results at our followup in September.
Tonight as I was putting Remi to sleep I sang to her, I Am A Child of God, and as I finished the end of the chorus she joined in with teach me all that I must doooo...
I melted and tried not to laugh for fear of riling her up but it made my night. Those words hit me hard. I have always known that being a mom is what I've always wanted and needed to do but now more than ever. Motherhood is my focus and right now it's tricky but it's still amazing because I have Remi. She's getting smarter, taller, funnier, blonder, and fiestier by the minute! I can't even put it all into words but I know it will all work out. This blind infertility roller coaster is rough and some days I just have to break so I can build myself back up. (Please tell me this happens to some of you!) I get by with a lot of trust and a lot of quick silent prayers. Oh, and comfort food! A lot of comfort food.
I'm a big quote person and I loved this one from today:
"Rest easy, real mothers. The very fact that you even worry about being a good mom means that you already are one."
So much truth, so much peace but no matter who you are, some phases are just plain hard!