January 17, 2017

Opening Up About Secondary Infertility


This has been a pending post for about a year and a half now but for the past few weeks things have become very real and a lot more demanding so I think it's time we shared our story. I figured it might be best to just start from the beginning.

(Warning: this may be a bit TMI for some)


FINDING OUT

It was January 2015, just a few months before Remi's 1st birthday, that Jason and I started discussing the idea of another baby. We didn't know when we were going to start trying but it came to us very powerfully that it needed to be right away. I can remember calculating it out and thinking, we are crazy but I would love to have Remi and baby #2 close. We both felt like it was what we should do so game on.

We had no trouble with Remi so after about 4 months I can recall thinking, "this is taking a bit longer..." and after 8 months thinking, "hmmm weird." I had been tracking my ovulation without any luck which was a huge red flag from my previous pregnancy. I also had had a discussion at Remi's 18-month shots with our health nurse about the possibility of second babies taking a little longer to be conceived and she introduced me to the condition secondary infertility. She told me that doctors don't even consider you infertile until after a year of dedicated trying so I did as I was told and that waiting game was brutal but life went on.

We hit that year mark and headed to our GP in March 2016 to get things checked out. They ordered lab work first, results came in a week later and everything was great. They then discussed the possibility of a blockage or cyst so two weeks later I did an ultrasound. Jason had headed in to do some tests as well. Follow up was a week after that and I can remember this week going into my car late at night in the garage and just praying out loud while I shed a single tear haha. It was my first time feeling complete discouragement and I was hit with a very overwhelming feeling that it was all going to work out. I confused that with "naturally" at the time so we just kept trying. It wasn't until our followup at the end of that week that they told us Jason has low motility and we were being referred to the Regional Fertility Clinic in Calgary. BOOM! They said we could still potentially get pregnant so while you sit on the wait list for 6 months, keep trying.

THE IN-BETWEEN PHASE

The next couple of months were a bit of a pit for me because I didn't know what to expect. I never felt depressed or sad, I just was impatient. In my mind I knew it was going to work, it had to work. They tell you to try not to think about it and not worry as some people get pregnant right away when they do that so I decided to put my heart and soul into Remi. I became the worst overgrammer (sorry!), I made an effort to take more photos and have fun creating, I documented like mad, and I also jumped back into running. It was crazy how that shifted my attitude! It did wonders for my mental health and for the spring/summer we ran A LOT. I loved it and Remi loved it. We discovered a million new parks, explored any chance we could, and my focus was definitely onto better things. I have dreamt of starting a shop and so we decided to save and make it a reality. We drew up plans to launch it in October 2016. I turned all my attention to moving forward. I felt like a million bucks and life was good. I did cry in an episode of bubble guppies once when Molly becomes a big sister. I watched baby-lover Remi soak it all up and I see her love on her babes daily so it's tricky but it's still good!

Amidst all of that we got a call from the fertility clinic telling us that they wanted to get as many patients in before the summer as possible so after only waiting 3 months, we were booked to see our doctor. It was exciting! She discussed Jason's low motility and that was our main concern... until September 2016.

WHAT'S OUR DEAL?

We sat down at our appointment and I could remember Jason being a little stressed about wanting answers about his condition and wanting to see the actual numbers to determine if there was any progress. They were always very vague. He has low motility which in his case was described as high sperm count but very little motion. This condition has room for improvement, since male numbers can shift daily, but it would take time. He had been on antioxidants, was trying to improve his diet, was all about crossfit, and that was where we thought our only problem was.

WELLLLL, our doctor sits down and she tells us straight up that they have some concerns with MY numbers lately too. In a nutshell, I am basically a 40 year old inside and my estrogen, AMH, and egg levels were all significantly low. (say whaaaat?!)  For the average 25 year old my numbers had dramatically decreased.

So Jason's condition would take time, and mine was pretty much an SOS signal stating, "YOUR CLOCK IS TICKING."

[!!!]

Not the best combo.

She was very upfront and let us know our chances for IUI (intrauterine insemination) were basically impossible so they were skipping it altogether and referring us to IVF (in vitro fertilization) immediately. It was right then and there that I knew this was our forever -- hospitals, clinics, blood work, no easy way for another child. I never thought in a million years we would be having these problems after having Remi so easily! Our doctor told us that our conditions would have had to exist before Remi but have progressed much further since. She told us Remi was a miracle and I thank the heavens everyday that we have her -- hence, my posts and sappiness. We are so very very blessed.

WHAT NOW?

We are currently jumping into IVF and that's a whole new crazy segment for another lengthy post another day haha. There is a lot to sum up! I have come to know a lot of amazing ladies over social media with infertility problems, most of our family and friends have been amazing supports, and we are taking things one day at a time.

As for our outlook, Jason and I talk about the last 2 years with a lot of contentment. It was definitely
B U M P Y but we always felt a lot of hope and a lot of peace that it would work out and we have faith in God's plan. Having a baby may not happen naturally for us anymore, and our bank account may be struggling at the moment causing our dreams to be put on the back burner, but it's okay! It's honestly okay. I know that this was never really our timeline to begin with, and we have always been being directed by a much bigger and greater power. We have always wanted more than anything to stay positive and keep things happy. That quickly became our mantra because frustration and discouragement were inevitable and it's not fun to kick it in that mindset.
We are extremely thankful. We aren't uncomfortable talking about it - in fact, it helps a lot! We are NOT jealous for others who are expecting - if anything, we are PUMPED for them! It's all a huge learning experience but we want to keep things optimistic and hopeful.

So that's a bit of things in a nutshell. I have LOVED all of the questions and concerns throughout this journey so keep them coming! I'll definitely post a FAQ post soon because I have quite the collection of queries going on! People are amazing. :) I'm very grateful for you!

5 comments:

  1. I love how positive you are!

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    1. Thank you! It's definitely the best option at the moment haha.

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  2. Thinking about you often <3 Not easy to share something like this. Love you lots

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    1. Thanks Kylie! You're the sweetest. It's been a long time coming hey? ;) feels so good to have it written down!

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  3. When you first posted about this months, maybe even a year ago, my heart broke for you. Thanks so much for sharing your journey. You are so positive and this kind of attitude can be applied to so many other trials we may go thru. You will be able to help others thru this experience. You are such a great example!

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