May 21, 2017

IVF Round 2

I know my last IVF post was a nitty gritty, detailed, step-by-step synopsis, but I honestly have tried 8 times to write this one out and I can't. 

Really weird.

I think it's because I'm just so ready to move on but there are a bunch of people who have kindly asked how things are currently going for us so I'll definitely give you a little nutshell version.

• things were great.
• all smooth.
• things progressed better than ever.
• Remi LOVED time with her cousins!
• Lauren and my parents are gems.
• egg retrieval was the same as last time.
• called the next morning with results of fertilization: 13 eggs and 0 fertilized... !?!
• broke our hearts. shattered them really.
• that feeling was one of a kind. all of that effort, money + hope, gone! BLANK SLATE. Didn't even get to transfer them.
• we made the decision to shut this all down for a while -- no followup appointments.
• i purged my house and threw away all sharps and unnecessary medications.
• within hours i felt like a new person. 
• i have never felt so much R E L I E F !! Two years of madness and it felt so right and so freeing.
• a week later we booked a flight to AZ + dodged Mother's Day because that was a bit tender for me.
• but life is good!
• moving on for a while.

The effects of infertility have been life changing for JP and I. Life has shifted dramatically. I look at all mothers, all children, all struggling individuals, and basically all aspects of family with the BIGGEST heart now. It's not something I will ever take for granted and it's not something I will ever come back from. There's just no way around it. Infertility is a permanent THICK chapter in my book of life now and I have been sooooo changed from it. I just feel so different -- like I have evolved or something haha.

This is me.

This is us, our unfathomable reality.

Now finally with a breath of fresh air!

I feel like I have been in a two-year-long battle, in every possible sense of the word! I have learned so much -- probably too much. My journal will be super interesting and hilarious to look back on in a couple of years! ;) 

There is a lot of strength in wanting something so badly and realizing we are clearly supposed to be focusing on something else right now. I don't know exactly what that is but I have faith in our Heavenly Father's plan for us. There is far too much unknown with infertility for us to hold on to anything else but hope + faith. 

My time will come. 

Our baby will come someday.

I know it.


  1. Oh Bryanna, I love you so much and sorrow with all the pain and longing that has gone into this journey. I have no idea why, but I know the Lord does. Already you are saying that you view others with new eyes, and maybe that's a little of it. The Lord can do anything, he gave you Remi. He can send more children to your family whenever he chooses, or whatever is in your life plan.

    I learned a lot from my trials. At first I looked at all my friends with their happy little families all intact. I envied them and felt so sad sitting all alone with my little brood. Later both friends went through worse trials than I ever did. One died and left her struggling family who had many challenges. One struggled but survived beautifully though a heartbreaking divorce changed her life totally. I know the Lord has been with me all the way and you know it in your case too. Meanwhile live unfolds and I am proud of the courage and faith you have as you face the challenges life provides. I know it will all work out. And I love you so much.

  2. I love your faith, your refreshing hope through all these struggles with infertility! Every time I see you, you are smiling and happy, light and goodness just radiate from you! My heart breaks for you both, and pray with all my heart that in time your desires will be granted by a loving HF, who knows all! Miracles happen, I'm certain you will get your miracle!